| Insomnia is a BITCH |
[Jan. 17th, 2006|03:00 am] |
I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight.
I can't tell if I have a lot of things on my mind or what, but I don't feel like I should have a lot on my mind, honestly. Everything is going well for what I have to deal with.
I have a guy 1200 miles away (I know, sad right?) but he adores me and can't wait to see me in TWO MONTHS from yesterday. hehehe We are so lame but I love it anyways. We are going to Vegas and I dunno how excited I am, being that it is the weekend before finals. I know I am being a little bit irresponsible, but this is college, the best time of my life supposedly, right? And really, isn't it my last opportunity to be irresponsible? Being that just after college you have to get a real job, work the whole 9-5 crap and pay bills that your parents aren't going to back you on? On top of that, should it be that I actually have to take out student loans, I will have a lot of shit I need to pay for when I get done with school. Then there is always the hassle of graduate school, and by the time you're done with your bachelor's degree, who really has any money left for graduate school???
I guess I kinda do have a few things running through my mind right now. Lame if you ask me cuz nothing interesting is really going on in my life. I need a job.
I need to pay Amr back cuz he's going nutzo on me... but since when was that new news???
Seriously, you borrow money from a guy that wants you back, he realizes you already have someone else in your life, and suddenly that creates a state of panic and war and chaos for him??? It's lame. The one thing I can say for myself is that I am a woMAN of my word and if I say I am going to do something, I am going to do it. Hands down, no excuses. Get the fuck over it if you still even bother reading this shit. I doubt anyone does. So I suppose in all actuality, this has turned into the place I rant when I'm confused or upset... or in the case of tonight, I just can't sleep. Maybe I'll get the opportunity between classes tomorrow to come home and take a nap. Problem with that is I never want to go back to school after the nap. Hmph... time to read for computer programming... if that can't put me to sleep, I do not know what will. |
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| What I'm thinking Now... |
[Oct. 21st, 2005|07:10 pm] |
I don't need flaky people
I don't need bad friends
I need to find new friends in SD
I need someone to disappear.
She is no longer invited. |
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| HOW CONVENIANT... tehehehe |
[May. 7th, 2005|10:55 pm] |
You Are 24 Years Old |
24
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
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| And we added another one to the list... |
[Apr. 25th, 2005|10:29 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Baby Bash ft. Akon- I'm Back | ] |
Gross gross gross... I like him a lot though ;). Too bad I'm still wondering what happens next... but he seems like an amazing guy and it seems worth it... but I'm so absolutely frustrated. |
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| Moving on... |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|10:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | One Moment In Time- Whitney Houston | ] |
I feel like I'm going crazy...
I don't believe what I've become. I used to believe I was someone with high morals and sound values, but I feel like I've lost sight of all of that. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself a slut or a whore or anything like that, I'm well aware that there are a lot of people far worse than I am, but still, I feel really shitty about it. I guess I don't really like who I've become or what I'm doing but I don't really know how to be any different. I've fallen into a pattern that I'm not exactly sure how to get myself out of it nor am I very proud of the shape my life has taken. I want to be different, I want my mom to be proud of me... but most importantly, I want to be proud of myself, not disgusted in my actions. I just broke down in tears and called Danielle... she always has the best advice on these situations... so I'm gonna pick myself up and smile... because I'm not the same little naive and pathetic little girl I was a year ago. I am in charge of my feelings and emotions and how I live every day.
Fuck guys... I'm over their bullshit. |
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| Muy frustrada |
[Jan. 22nd, 2005|01:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  I can't trust anyone | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | I Won't Rearrange, Change to Fit Your Plan- Maki | ] |
Basically... I have to sing on Tuesday, the 25th... and I'm scared out of my mind.. thang GOD the class is mainly older people. I have no idea what to sing... PEOPLE GIVE ME IDEAS!!!
Wow, this is taking me forever to write and I have no idea why...
I had massive nightmares last night... its hard when your "best friend" seems to be screwing you over with the guy you've liked... even worse when you've had that guy. So yes, nightmares... I don't like being ignored, I don't like wondering, I don't like being non-trusting because I used to trust EVERYONE. Now, I trust no one... now I think EVERYONE is just out to get me and screw me over, kinda makes me feel like hiding out in my room and not telling people where I am so I can avoid everything... but then I'm afraid I'm just being passive about whats bothering me and people will just get away with screwing me over. I just want to trust the people around me... and it fucking sux... when I'm all thin and gorgeous everyone will be better... I won't have to worry about a certain friend screwing me over with guys... its a sad commentary, but its the sad truth... so yes... I STILL LIKE THE GANGSTA GANGSTA... he's hot and I finally saw him again and was in his arms again... but its just not the same when he's calling your "best friend" (and I use the term loosely, very loosely).
I don't know why I'm even updating right now... I was gonna write about the party I didn't end up going to, but that wasn't very exciting... so I'm not really sure what to say right now. The Lords busted up that shit pretty damn fast. I'm super confused about my life and what I'm doing right now.
Why do I like a guy that obviously no good has been or is ever going to come from him... GOD THIS SUX |
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| After getting a myspace... this shit doesn't phase me... hehehe |
[Jan. 10th, 2005|12:42 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  all smiles | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ding Dong text messages from my hottie | ] |
Ok, time to update... but to tell you what??? That I "hang out with the wrong crowd" or that "I'm getting into trouble"... or something of that nature... lemme update you on me.
I just realized that I haven't mentioned that Amr and I have been broken up for....... I dunno how long, but a pretty long time now. Over a month... maybe even nearing two. I think my life has improved dramatically. I don't cry anymore, I have far more self esteem... and if I do say so myself, I am far more attractive than when that loser and I started dating...
Why have I come to this conclusion you may ask? Cuz I can... also, I have ::met:: some hot guys lately. I love boys, I love playing with boys, I love hanging out with boys, I love male attention... all things I am not used to being totally in love with, but I am. I don't want a relationship right now when it comes to most boys... there is only one boy that makes me want to settle down... so we'll see where that goes.
So basically, this new guy is HOT HOT HOT and I can't stress that enough but people are all mad at me cuz I don't "JUDGE" him based on his past, and I know its bad, but it honestly isn't a big deal to me and I really don't give a shit about it. As long as he isn't doomed to repeat his past, then I'm fucking over it and into him.
I can't even believe how many guys I've been through lately... like water my friends, water... but this one seems to be a keeper and I'm really happy whenever I'm with him and in his arms... so keep your fingers crossed for me (even if you're one of the haters) cuz I wanna be one of the happy ones. |
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| This Shit is a LIE! |
[Dec. 4th, 2004|07:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cranky | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | TV show music | ] |
I am too shy to start a party...
I am the most scared person I know...
I am not arrogant, I'm insecure...
I possess no courage...
But some of it is true... hehehehe |
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| And I'm having a good time... |
[Nov. 1st, 2004|09:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Whiskey Lullaby- Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss | ] |
Best week EVER!!!
Ok, I've been waiting forever and it finally happened, I WENT TO DISNEYLAND AND CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE!!! So exciting, but I thought I was gonna die a lot... scary scary rides!!! hehehe Hooters for dinner, good times... car stuck in LB cuz it was underwater... not such good times.
Then on Thursday Jeremy and I went back to Long Beach to give Ashley back her car and we went to see the Grudge... scary but confusing movie... he said it was good, I say I don't understand it. He and Ash both thought it would be cool to scare me during the movie NOT COOL... hehe, you guys are the best. LOVE YA!
Then on Friday we went to San Marcos to party with Jamie's crew... SO MUCH FUN... I'm not gonna talk about all my incriminating activities (lol James, laugh sesh what?) but it was soooo much fun and Jeff and Ash came and it was just more fun than we could all handle... we will be going back too... and Jeff is always invited... YAY Jeff!!!
Then Saturday early morning we left for my home (tear) Santa Barbara!! The good 'ol UCSB!!! We had Freebirds with Norman, Jessie, Jasmine, Monica, Jessica, their friend, Will, Monica, her boyfriend I forgot his name (he went on my trip!) and then Dave came and wandered around IV with us... good times. Then we went to hang with Linz for a while and that was fun before getting totally wasted and not being able to find the gang!!! Oh well, I did my first beer bong with Lindsey and OH YEAH, her roommate Nicole is awesome cuz she was a bottle of Jaeger for Halloween!!! YES good times!!!! I miss it already! Awww, and I never found Kimmie either =(
Then Sunday was margarita and tostada night at Lyndell's apartment! Yes, totally good times yet again. I had the best last 4 days of my life... YES!
Today was a surprise too, though I'm not gonna get into it due to scrutiny of the masses. But both good and bad things happened today. |
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| I'm locked up, they won't let me out... |
[Oct. 23rd, 2004|01:09 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Akon ft/ Styles P- Locked Up | ] |
God, I never freaking update this anymore cuz again... I got a myspace... it's outta control!!! I spend more time checking on that than updating here... I need to get it together... Livejournal- nonaddictive, myspace.com- outta my control!!!
Ok, I'm seeing a counselor to realize how fucked up I am... Ash said it best tonight when she said "you really suck at choosing friends." Wow, isn't that freakin obvious? NEWSFLASH: I hate Sarah, she is not what a friend is supposed to be... and let me tell ya what the counselor said to do about her "She has problems. Any female who receives validation based on male approval has problems. By telling me the whole story, you have changed the earlier dynamics. She has betrayed you, she is not a friend and if she were to call you up right now, if you weren't naive you'd tell her you don't trust her anymore and be done with it." Wise woman she is... I'm going back to see her on Tuesday... which means between Monday and Tuesday I need to speak to my academic counselor at Saddleback and figure out my major (possibly advertising) and pick schools with that major that aren't impacted... cuz I wanna graduate in another 2 years... I'm being pretty speedy about this, I'm not willing to wait around for anything.
Anyhow, that's about it going on in my life right now... my English IB teacher... well the class I was petitioning... she felt like I was really willing to make the effort in the class so she made an exception and let me in the class even though she had already passed out all of the add codes she had. WHAT A NICE LADY... I think I'm going to like her. She seems really "out there" and I kinda like that. She bases our grades off of improvement, so we never get a grade on a paper... YAY!!! Well, that's about ittttt... I get to transfer soon, wish me luck... |
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| Sometimes the things you think will never happen, happen just like that... |
[Oct. 4th, 2004|09:11 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Boys = DUMB, Girls = DUMBER | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Garth Brooks- What She Does To Me | ] |
I can't even believe it... the BIGGEST nerd I've ever seen-- complete with a rollaway back pack and everything just tried to intimidate me. I didn't think it was possible... seriously BIGGEST NERD EVER. And, he told me that he had been waiting for a computer longer than me (big lie and I wanna go sock him in the face cuz I'm just that kind of independent woman) so then he rolled his back pack right up to the computer I had been waiting for... LOSER I just can't emphasize it enough. He's a pimple on this earth and he needs to be squashed! I think thats enough bashing at this time.
So Amr was supposed to come visit me at school today... he didn't. What a shock, does he ever do the things he says he's gonna do? Not bloodly likely. He said he's coming over tonight cuz we haven't seen each other lately... I think thats code for "I have to pick Adam up from work at 10 anyways, so I guess I could spend 30 minutes with you" cuz my life is bullshit anyways so why not listen to a few bullshit excuses along the way? Oh, cuz Amr's can be excessive??? this I know.
I had a paper due today... too bad I didn't do it. I'm really confused on the assignment and that is NO LIE! It's like a film critique I think? I can't really tell but I don't seem to be doing so well on anything lately. I can't even do a good job in speech! I think I shed a few pounds, and surprisingly with that, went a lot of my self-esteem.
I lied, I have to say more shit about the rollaway back pack asshole. He hits the key board REALLY hard and its really annoying. I can hear how loud it is from like 20 feet away... no one else really seems bothered by it, but I find him extremely irritating... as if he doesn't sit at home on the internet all day and all night cuz thats what losers like him do. Very apparent that there is no girlfriend in his life... no one could tolerate someone as disgusting as him... not to mention irriating and annoying.
Anyways, I'm kinda crushing big time on someone from high school... how weird is that? I need help. I like really really like him... and Linz, only you would understand the situation. We need to talk PRONTO. I'm a dumb dumb girl... HELP!
Sarah was supposed to go to the gym with me last night... big surprise that she ditched me and didn't even call. I went by myself and it felt good to work out and all, but I don't understand what her issue is with calling and letting me know whats going on. It pisses me the fuck off. You're not gonna be there, call me... but don't stand me up and even more so, don't stand me up for a guy from www.myspace.com. This myspace shit is out of control in a whole lot of people and its rather sad and pathetic. Grrr... I'm mad. |
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| OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH I feel like shit... |
[Oct. 2nd, 2004|01:19 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed the fuck off | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My Car Crashing into Another | ] |
I might be having the worst week ever...
First off... I'm still dealing with the fact that I fucked over someone I love and in return Danielle is no longer speaking to me. Danielle not speaking to me really doesn't bother me... as I could care less, but the fucking someone over I love pisses me the fuck off.
Next... I can't say that this is true or not, but I know for sure that Ashley and Amr talked tonight. That's perfectly fine, I want my boyfriend to be able to talk to my friends and get along. However, he told me (and this could be totally false, so should Ashley find out about this... I'm not accusing you of anything!) that Ashley told him to dump me and stuff. This hurt my feelings a lot because even if we are gonna be on a break or whatever, I don't want anyone telling him to dump me... regardless of the fucked up shit thats going on.
So then, in the heat of being upset about that, oh yes, I for sure crashed my car. And that is just fan-fuckin-tastic. All I need in my life right now is more shit I can't afford. FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME. The shitty part is, I can't live without a car... and since Erin is already borrowing Leslie's car, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I DEPEND on my car for everything... my job sure as hell depends on it. So I have no idea what to do right now but I'm pissed about that.
Then I went to an ALL ASIAN FRAT PARTY where Sarah and I were referred to as "the white girls" how depressing is that? I have never been the minority in South Orange County... I'm just not.
So this is my fucking horrible week... my family hates me, friends apparently hate me or wish to spite me, my boyfriend pretty much hates me... I feel like shit, and my car is wrecked and I can't afford it. |
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| I love you and I'm telling you this much is true all of my life I've been waiting for you... |
[Sep. 24th, 2004|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | absolutely fucking miserable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My friend, Melissa Maki! | ] |
Basically... I feel like shit. I feel like everyone in my life is shit and that sux. I just don't understand why anyone who loves you so much would hurt you as much as I am hurting right now...
God this sux.
God grant me the courage to get through this, the heart to know whats right, and the strength to carry through my convictions... this is horrible. |
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| Just cuz you drive a benz I'm not going home with you... |
[Sep. 16th, 2004|08:42 am] |
No, drive a piece of shit, and MAYBE!!! Just kidding, I'm not like that... everyone out there should know that. I hope I mean you know that...
Anyhow, I'm sitting here in the library with Christine... yes, my dear friend Christine who I've known since Kindergarten. She laughed cuz she says drama follows me. I have to agree, but I'm not about the drama. I just have friends... or at least a friend that is all about the drama. I don't hurt my friends intentionally... so for her to call me and tell me all the fucked up shit she did last night because she's bitter and cynical and most of all SPITEFUL is fucked up. Get over it... he wanted to get with me, is that my fault? NO, I say no. Anyhow, for now, this is all I have to write... but I'll write more later. |
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| Peace Out Buddy... have a great time in Santa Cruz! |
[Sep. 12th, 2004|01:54 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | I'm a BAD person! | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Sounds Of Silence | ] |
Tonight was Buddy's big night for his going away party. One thing made me super glum, Norman was not there. I half thought she wouldn't be there, but I was still disappointed. I really miss the friendship we had before shit went down. Anyways, Sara was there and she is so maternal. Women are supposed to be their prettiest when they are pregnant, and she's absolutely glowing and beautiful... and nice! It's really nice to see her this way. Danny is all nervous (he's 20) but they are both really excited! Oh congrats!
Anyways, Buddy wasn't at his party when I got there cuz everyone ran off and it was pure chaos. However, we all made it back to his party and I was like blown over by how many people I had never seen before or heard of before. One person that it was really nice to see again was Blackass. I hadn't seen him in so long and I had missed him so much. Him and I talked and he was actually going to share his alcohol with me but I declined cuz yes kids, I really don't drink too much anymore. I gave up drinking in Novermber (almost a year ago!) and have only been drunk like twice since then and only when I'm having issues... but today was full of fucked up issues and I still managed not to take a single damn sip of alcohol... it solves nothing, this I know. I wasn't there for long, I was tired and Amr and I came back and he went home. We were both pretty tired and I haven't been getting much sleep lately. It was nice to see Jimmy for two days in a row and Buddy didn't seem to hate me today so yay!
Again, I don't want to talk about it. I'm a piece of shit, I know it. I make stupid ass fucking mistakes and I don't even think about them later. What the fuck is up with my conscience lately? Usually I feel utter guilt and I'm just being a bitch right now. Ughhh I hate myself.
Anyhow, I got my Tiffany necklace back today which was really exciting! Yay for repairs. It's all pretty and clean now and perfect. I love it. I love the person that gave it to me. I'm feeling really disappointed in myself but really content with my life right now. I have a job "babysitting" and 11 year old boy and I'm getting paid pretty well, my mom bought me a bra today so I didn't have to spend my money, yay, I have a boyfriend that loves me... and ok, so my friends aren't doing so well but hopefully that will be mended... and thats it! |
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